And The Godfather Was A Lie
by Kanskje the Titanium Bovine
Summary: Pickles tells a story about how one time, back in the day, him and Tony got into some trouble and Tony introduced him to some "businessmen" to help them out. A "family" of sorts. Enjoy.


**Disclaimer: THE MAFIA DOES NOT EXIST.**

**Warning:** Written _almost_ exclusively from Pickles' point of view. Almost. It may in fact kill brain cells after a while. Just a warning.

* * *

"An' dat's how I woke up in the Grand Cannon," Pickles finished his odd tale of drugs, booze, robbery, and grand theft auto.

"Wow," Nathan said. Pickles always had the best stories. "And you got away with all that?"

"Actually, no," Pickles answered.

"No?" Toki asked with a head tilt.

"Nope, but I gat a great story abote dat too if ya wanna hear it." The rest of the band agreed that they'd love to hear how Pickles could've possibly gotten out of that mess. "Well, okay.

"After me n' Tony woke ep, we realized we had no effin' clue where we were. Dis was the days befer cell phones n' GPS n' all dat. So we tried th' car an' thank Gad it werked. We made it to a road befer it crapped out on es, empty yanno. So we gat a ride to th' nearest town frem sem doods who recognized es, real hippie types. Whever, dey gat es high an' th' whole trip was way more pleasant.

"So we gat to dis town an' made a couple calls. Well, Tony did actually, I was busy bein' sick as a dag." He smirked and continued, "I tha't he only called Sammy at ferst t' cem pick es ep, yanno, but when we gat back I found out he'd also called sem guy named Frankie LaRussa."

"Sounds like a Mafia name," Nathan interjected. Pickles laughed.

"You have no idea. Anyway, it turned out ta be a good plan. He'd figured we'd be getting' in big treble if we gat ca'ght an' of course later dat day we saw a news report abote a car dat gat stole an' a store dat gat rabbed by sem Irish kid an' a guy in a tophat. 'Course dat was es. So Tony walked over an' said to me, 'Hey, Pickles, we're goin' out in a bit. Get dressed, be casual... And fix your hair, man, ya looks like one of them troll dolls.' "

Toki and Skwisgaar both laughed at the joke and Pickles waited for them to quiet down before continuing. "So I gat dressed casual, yanno, ginny, jeans, jacket, whatever. Straight hair an' senglasses so I wouldn't get recognized, yanno. An' Tony, he had an dis black pinstripe suit, real snazzy lookin', an' his hair was in a ponytail. Looked real unlike 'imself, yanno? Well, we left an' started walkin' an' he was talkin' th' whole time. Ferst thing he told me, 'Now be careful where we're headed. There's a lot of Guidos down there who don't appreciate outsiders.' So I kept my mouth shet an' my eyes forwerd. He told me a couple useful things abote th' guys we were meetin' like how dey talk wit' deir hands an' sech. Told me if any of 'em do dis," he held his hand out and feigned flicking a lighter, "dat I should affer dem my lighter ta light deir cigar er whatever. Said knowin' little things like dat would help.

"So we get down ta th' would-be little Italy, go ta dis place called, uh, Rossucci's. We go in an' dere's all dese guys sittin' around a table, looked like dey were havin' a pretty good time. Dey all turn an' greet Tony, an' dis bald guy gets up, gatta be maybe a foot taller'n me an' twice my width, an' he hugs 'im an' kisses 'im an th' cheek like Italians do, yanno. I remember he said ta 'im, 'Hey, Tony, who's dis fruity numbah?' talkin' abote me, right? But I bit my tongue an' smiled like Tony told me to. An' Tony says ta him, 'C'mon, Frankie, I told ya about this guy, he's the singer in my band.' An' Frankie laughed and went n' sat down. He turns ta dis guy, real strong-lookin', he says, 'Hey Paulie, check 'im.' Tony turns ta me an' explains it's jest formalities or whatever, tells me ta take my jacket aff ta make it easier, so I do. This Paulie guy came over an' pat me down like a cap an' gave Frankie a thembs-ep. I figured dey're checkin' me fer a wire. Well, fine.

"Frankie motioned fer es ta sit down – that's anot'er hand gesture Tony ta'ght me – so we pulled ep sem chairs an' sat down. An' Frankie says ta Tony, 'So why is it you come here with this fruitcake on this day?' So Tony explains ta him what happened an' he says, 'Now we're gonna get in pretty big trouble here, but we plan on turning ourselves in-' at that point I was thinkin' he was nuts, but I let 'im keep talkin, '-that way we can get it all over with quickly.' He winds ep askin' dis guy Frankie if dey wouldn't mind bailin' es out in a couple days. He said, 'Now I could hold my own in prison, of course, but look at Pickles here-' Frankie interepted him here, saying, 'Pickles? His name is Pickles? Oh, what the Irish'll name their kids...' Anyway, Tony continues, 'Well look at him, he's fuckin' jailbait. Now look, we got a tour comin' up guaranteed to make big bucks, I'll have ya all payed back in about a month." We watched 'im thinkin' an' I broke th' don't-talk-unless-spoken-to rule an' I said, 'Wit' interest.' An' Frankie gave me dis fenny look an' asked where I was frem an' I told 'm, 'Wiscansin, sir,' an' he says, 'Well that explains the funny accent _and_ the funny look!' An' the whole table laughed an' I smiled too, tryna stay polite. An' he leans back in 'is chair an' pulls out a cigar an' starts pattin' around fer 'is lighter an' 'e can't find it. So Tony elbows me an' I affer 'im mine an' he kinda smirks at me an' he says, 'I like you kid.' An' he lights his cigar an' gives me back my lighter an' everyone's real quiet fer a bit. Then Frankie says to tha table, 'So whataya guys think, should we help out Tony and his little girlfriend?' An' the table all respond loudly with a, 'Yeah!' an' Tony's all smiles. An' Frankie says, 'Alright then. Get outta here,' all laughin', 'we got business to do.' An' me n' Tony get ep an' Frankie does too an' 'e gived Tony 'is little hug n' kiss an' he turns ta me and he shakes my hand. An' Tony n' me leave.

"Well we gat outta dere an' I couldn't help myself. I turned ta Tony an' I asked, 'So who were dose guys?' He said ta me, 'They're, uh, international businessmen.' I asked 'im real quiet, 'Was dat da mob er semthin'?' An' he said ta me, 'Don't be silly, the Mafia don't exist.' "

"Wowee!" Toki said when Pickles had finished his story.

"Scho you really met the Mafia?" Murderface asked.

"Hell naw!" Pickles replied. "Didn'tcha hear me? Dey were jes' businessmen." He smirked and winked as he finished, "Th' Mafia doesn't exist."


End file.
